The Trump Garden

Every gardener knows that growing herbs and flowers has many benefits beyond the medicinal, culinary, or aesthetic properties of the plants.  The proper blend of herbs can serve as a natural mosquito repellant; a different blend of herbs and flowers can attract bees and butterflies and other pollinators to your garden.  Certain flowers will discourage pillaging by deer and rabbits.  The physical properties of herbs and flowers are quite diverse.

     But the spiritual properties of herbs and flowers are perhaps less widely known.  Some plants can stimulate certain virtues in those who grow them or live in harmony with them.  Others repel the bad juju created by the deficiency of virtue that characterizes much of human society.  And this gives gardeners a welcome opportunity to participate in the resistance. A well designed garden can stand as a wall against the blossoming Trumpian chaos. 

     I suggest starting your Trump garden with a good-sized patch of dill—really, plant a lot.  Dill is a general prophylactic against evil, so it will be really versatile in the age of Trump.  I recommend using it in food whenever possible, so that it’s protective powers can be absorbed into your system and protect you wherever you go.  You can also add it to floral displays around your home, or wear it as a personal adornment.

     Mint is another powerful herb, useful for stimulating virtue.  This will help to strengthen your resolve to stand firm against the blandishments of the Crap Artist in Chief.  But it should also serve as a repellant against Trump and his cronies.  They show no sign of having much in the way of traditional virtues like honesty or humility or generosity.  But neither do they show any sign that they feel the want of these virtues.  

     You can round out your selection of herbs with some oregano, which will bring substance to your garden—certainly not something that will be attractive to the Trump gang.  And you might want to plant some St. John’s Wort, which is a traditional treatment for alcoholism.  This might serve as a specific defense against that one member of the Trump gang—you know, the one with the red nose and the gut and the generally slovenly appearance.  He looks to be fully committed to the drunkard’s life, so he might not want to get too close to a cure.

     I would recommend a bit of cannabis to help you maintain your own spiritual equilibrium during the coming chaos, but that would be illegal.  Or not, I guess, depending on where you live.   Consult your local laws for further information about this.  

     A word of warning, though.  Whatever you do, you shouldn’t plant any chamomile.  This herb exerts a powerful attraction on money, and while it might make you rich, it will also make you a target for the Trump gang.  Trump and his economic team clearly intend to monetize the presidency in any way they can.  Don’t draw any unnecessary attention to yourself; an effective resistance depends on stealth and surprise.

     So, fellow gardeners, gird up your loins; planting time is just around the corner.  The resistance wants you!